And the swing goes down

So now the swing takes a turn to the worse again. I’m now faced with the reality that I might never get another baby. The next attempt will be the last. And it frightens me. I’m sure I can get used to the idea, but now it seems impossible. I’m not sure I want to even start the cycle knowing how much is riding on it. Maybe I should just give up now, I mean what are the chances of it working this time. I would feel somewhat positive if anything had at least implanted, but nothing. Nada.Zip. There must be something there that keeps the embies from implanting. How else can you explain transferring 13 embies without even a hint of implanting??

But I know I will have to do this. Sometime in the beginning of next year I will cycle again. And that will be the last one. Unless I somehow get rich and can seek treatment elsewhere. So it seems that the break after this one will be a really long one. And I’m not sure I can deal with it too well. Getting rid of all the baby stuff will be bad. I do not know how I’m going to make it.

Somehow my mood seems really odd today. I’m just so sad, and can’t really say why. It’s a good thing that my boss is on a meeting (and that there are no others who could bug me). I’ve been crying for no reason. Can your hormones still be all over the place a month after your cycle failed?? I’m feeling extremely hormonal. Yes, the bitch is due any day now, but she usually does not put me down like this!


5 responses to “And the swing goes down

  1. Cry cry cry Ankaisa, that’s all I can say. You suffered heartbreaking news and it hurts and will continue to hurt for a while. As we each know, there’s no timeframe on grief…you just have to let it run its course. How I wish that you didn’t know this frustration and pain, that none of us did. But I’m glad that you have a plan going forward. And even if it does seem like it’s an awful long time away, it’ll be here sooner than you think. Be good to yourself in the meantime, you deserve it.

  2. Hi Ankaisa,It is so normal. I know that the first cycle after my failed IVF#1 was difficult emotionally and I am in the midst of my cycle after IVF#2. Your body has been through a lot and I know my hormones are insane. Hang in there. You are doing great. I have been exercising lately which is helping. Take care.

  3. Thinking of you and hoping that the final cycle brings you some peace, one way or the other. I am not there yet, so I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to face this.Wishing you all the best.

  4. I’m sorry you are feeling sad. I think, at least from my experience, it is perfectly normal. This is such a crazy ride we are all on. Hope you are feeling better.Nina

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