I love my DS but would not adopt

Disclaimer: Everything I say in this post represents my own personal view of things. I’m not trying to say anybody else should feel this way. IMHO. YMMV. Whatever. And I have turned off comments.

Adoption, DS ment

This all got started over at Dead Bug’s blog, but I do not want to hijack her blog in trying to explain myself. I posted a comment there that somehow stirred up things.

I love my DS. More than anything I could ever love. Yes, I do love my parents, I love my DH, but it is all so different. It can never be compared to how I feel about my dearest son. I did not have to fight a really long fight to get him, but far enough to know it was not easy. We had to do IVF with ICSI, so just having sex was clearly not enough. I got really lucky on my first real IVF, and sometimes I feel like I got off too easily. Now the quest for a sibling has lasted about three years, and I’m almost ready to give up.

Getting those two lines in a HPT was… I can not even think of a proper word. Yes, I knew it could happen. Yes, they did transfer two great embies on day two. Still that was the first time I realized this could in fact result in a baby. And I freaked out. What if I’m not a good mother. I do not even like kids that much. I have absolutely no experience on babies. I have a friend who had had three babies before I got pg. We are the godparents to her youngest child. I babysat for her once, and felt completely helpless. I did manage to change her diaper once, but it felt overwhealming. Other people’s kids seemed just annoying, like the parents had no control over them.

I have learned a lot after that. Most importantly you can not compare how you feel towards other people’s kid to what you will feel towards your own. And it sounds like something people keep repeating, but it is true.

Which brings me to the issue of adopting. I feel I need to elaborate on that comment. I know this gets into a touchy territory. If you think you will be offended, please stop reading now. I know there are no guarantees. Nothing in this life is guaranteed. I could get pg with a downs child. That is not what I meant. I know a genetic connection does not guarantee that you get a child that you can get along with. But knowing your family and DH’s family gives you an estimate on what the child could be like.

Knowing that I do not get along with all people just has made me think about this. I used to have friends, that were not too bright. They were considered normal, not disabled. But I got really frustrated when I had to explain everything to them. I’m not saying they are inferior, just that they think differently. I can not say how much it depends on genetics and how much in how they were brought up. But it just makes me think and wonder how frustrated I would be if I happened to get a child whose way of thinking is completely alien to me. Remember, I’m talking about people that are considered normal, whatever that is. Having disabilities is a whole new subject. My mother had a luxatio coxae at birth, so she has been classified as disabled all her life. And having a mental disability in no different.

What I’m really afraid is that if we ever decided to adopt that we would get a child whose personality does not match ours. Yes, I know that sounds bad. And that you could get one even if he/she was genetically your own child. Call me whatever you want, but I want a child that understands what I’m telling him/her. Or that he/she can tell me what they want. Or just getting along without having one crisis after another.

There are other things in adoption that make me feel uneasy. One is the home study. From what I hear they ask questions I would not want to answer. Really personal questions. What if we were found to be unsuitable parents?

The other thing has to do with the fact that domestic adoption is not available to us. We have DS, so there is no chance of a Finnish baby. It would have to be international. I have not looked into it so much, so I do not know what countries we could adopt from. We are living in a really small town. I have never seen a black person here or anything but scandinavian. There are gypsies living here, ans that is just about as exotic as it gets. So if we adopted, he/she would really stand out. As someone who was constantly bullied at school, I do not think I could subject a child to it. It was horrible. That’s all I’m going to say about it. It stil hurts to think about it. And he/she would be different, there is no question about it. And being different attracts bullies.


One response to “I love my DS but would not adopt

  1. Pingback: Trying to Stay Sane » Cute? Not if you ask me!