So it seems that the worst is over. At least for now. I really did not like the way I was for days. Somehow this BFN seemed harder to take than some of the earlier ones. Maybe that bitch, Hope, was actually in the ride with me despite my continuous efforts to keep her out.
I really hate grieving too long over a BFN. One reason why I got so tired of the cycle buddy boards was those damn charts that every single thread seems to have. Yes, it’s nice if you get that happy face next to your name, but getting that sad one makes it impossible for me to go back and check on the buddies still cycling. And the keeper of the chart never seems to understand that I really do not want that reminder of my latest BFN every fucking time I come to the thread. So I always faded away pretty soon after my cycle was over.
Maybe I’m just in denial. I’m trying so hard not to accept the fact that in everything is telling me that I most likely will never have another baby. Oh, I was so sure having another baby was just a matter of time. I can’t be so sure anymore. But I’m not giving up, not just yet. I’ll do one more cycle and then I’ll at least take a long break to decide if this dream is still worth the heartache BFNs bring.
And I’m going to be 36 soon. Meaning I will be referred to having advanced maternal age from now on. Drat. I was so sure I’d be pg before I actually hit that milestone. But it ain’t going to happen now, is it? Damn. Double damn. How could you just stop the clock?