Babies, DS ment

Yes, I admit, I’m not madly in love with DH anymore. Does that mean that I’m going to pack my bags, grab DS and move half way across the country? No, it doesn’t.

We were having our wedding anniversary about a week ago. Having some sparkling wine, eating good food. DH did try calling a few old friends to see if they would be willing to drive us somewhere that night so we could go a bit further away than we could afford to take taxi to. He had not spoken to one of them for a while and it turned out that his wife had taken their tow kids and moved. He seemed really sad on the phone. DH had seen him some time ago and knew that things were not going too well between them, but this was still not nice to hear.

So we ended up calling the taxi anyway and going to another place. DH still seemed to worry about this friend, saying he sounded so bad. Then I said to him that I would never just take DS and move so far away. Come to think of it, he seemed really glad I said that. Well, as I said, things are not the same they used to be when we first started dating. My attitude has changed a lot during the last year or so. It all started when I got laid off. He didn’t seem to understand that it was a big deal to me. So I started spending more and more time on the computer, and less with him. Then I even considered just packing my things, but decided to stay.

Things have settled down now, but something was lost. I do not know if it will ever come back. Most likely it will not. I don’t really hate him – well, not all the time – but I can’t say I’m in love with him either. But I’m stuck with him. At least for now. I have no means of knowing what the future brings, so this is the assumption I have to make.

So why did I start thinking about all this now? I was asked that shouldn’t it be better not to do IVF when I’m less than happy with DH. No, it would not. I want another baby. I’m not getting any younger. I’m not filing for divorce in the near future, and I have no reason to think DH would either. Even if we did divorce today, which I mind you we are not, it would take too long to even think about TTC again: at least one year to get over the divorce, another to find a new boyfriend, yet another to convince him to have babies with me… I would be 40 by then, and my chances would be even worse than they are today. I have to do what I feel I have to do. Postponing IVF because things are not going great is not an option for me.

Sometimes I do wonder if I actually could have babies with another man. Our diagnosis is MF, but I think I’m partially to blame. How else do you explain four IVF rounds without even a hint of a second line on those damn HPTs? But still. If I could find a man with normal sperm counts, would it be possible to get pg without assistance? For now it seems that question will not be answered, but on bad days I sometimes play with the idea. Realizing those thoughts is still highly unlikely. Then again I might meet someone tomorrow that I fall madly in love with. Who knows? Life is full of uncertainty. I can’t plan things on events that may or may not happen sometime in the future!


One response to “On DH

  1. I think is healthy to come out with your feelings about DH. But I still think you love him. After what you have been through no one can expect you both to be frisky teenagers. He seems like a nice guy, you trust him and he is probably a good dad. Thats half the battle. I have entertained thoughts of leaving DH. IVF is overwhelming and I feel my own self-preservation kicking in to decide if all this pain is worth a baby with DH vs just a baby. But then I think of all the effort to find a new boyfriend and decide I can take if for a bit longer.

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